At the start of this year, when I had successfully recovered from the evil presence of my benign foe; ‘Freddy the Brain Tumor’, I was filled with as much optimism as a New Years resolution…..on crack. I would blog more, share my experience with others, climb mountains and generally become bigger than Jesus… or self-professed prodigy; Kanye West.
But like all whimsical NY resolutions, this did not happen.
Instead I hitched up my metaphorical party dress and worn out high-heels, and did the walk of shame past my old optimistic and somewhat gloating self.
To get to the point… My brain tumor days now seem like a distant memory. With no blog posts or images to cement them in history, it seems as if those memories have transformed into a life that was never mine.
Remembering them as if they were scenes from an old movie, watched in the distant past.
Well…..This was all destroyed today during my follow up MRI appointment. Everything is fine and dandy until your trapped in a Magnetic Resonating Image machine, stripped of all your clothes and forced to watch the world through an upside down mirror.
Hearing the repetitive thuds, I started freaking out. FUCKFUCKFUCK. It started bringing back a lot of emotional flashbacks from 6 months ago. But more than anything it bought on this sudden gut wrenching feeling that no matter who you have by your side. We all have to suffer…. and eventually die by ourselves.
Note to self: sudden existential breakthroughs should not be experienced in a machine thats sole purpose is to confine you and refrain you from moving.
Yet in the midst of all this mental gymnastics there was also; peace. An inner tranquility that can so easily be felt when one realises that they do not have the power to control the uncontrollable.